My 8-Year Old Eats Like a Velociraptor

Not since Jurassic Park have I seen such murdering of foodstuffs. Food smeared all over his face like a twelve month old with his first spoon, my eight year old son comes up covered, slathered, chin to nose every single time he puts food in his mouth.  Be gone helpless taquitos, green beans and rice!

I’ve taken to sending out little “warning” emails to first-time play date moms.  Uh, just a quick heads-up, my son eats like a Velociraptor.

And when I forget to send the warning note, I wonder what those parents must think of our family.  Do we channel the Flinstones?  All of us sitting around the rock-slab, grabbing the food with our hands and noshing together as we talk about our day, food flying in all directions.

What’s a mom to do?  I’ve tried napkins and words of encouragement.  I’ve considered slipping a copy of Emily Post’s Comic Book for Kids into his bedtime reading pile.  Or maybe threaten a blast with a powerwasher at the end of each meal.  And I really wonder – do his school friends tease at lunchtime?  Though I secretly imagine the boys taking great joy in how my son can eat but a small handful of M&Ms and come up for air with chocolate smeared from ear to ear.  High five, dude!

Will he grow out of it?  Hope so. I can just imagine what the father of his future junior prom date would think as they share appetizers awkwardly in the living room while waiting for Future-Susie-Q to finish primping upstairs.  Half way through the shrimp cocktail, that future 16 year old son of mine would have a festival of red cocktail sauce slathered all over his face.  Not a pretty sight.  And I can see the father of Future-Susie-Q’s eyes bulging wide with horror.  And my son would quickly, thoroughly, be booted out the front door.

Until then, I’m enjoying this almost last ride of “little guy”.  The fleeting hugs and hand holding show me that the Little Man I brought into the world is just now metamorphizing into a Young Dude who will soon care about the humiliating globs of groceries stuck to his face.  But, until he hits that heartbreaking spot where he wants to be dropped off around the block, I will continue to serve him his Velociraptor vittles and enjoy every moment of him devouring his Brontosaurus soup.