Classmates Beware

Recently I got a handwritten note from a high school classmate I hadn’t seen in years, inviting me to join a small reunion of old-timers. Since I had no idea who she was, I tossed it into the recycling.

Any regret I had about foregoing a nostalgic romp with my classmates evaporated when I read a recent story about a 20th year high school reunion gone awry.

Steven Burton, a mild-mannered bank employee, took the temptation to impress his old classmates a bit too far. Whereas most of us inflate our resumes, our marvelous children, and the happiness of our marriages, Burton decided to pass himself off as a decorated Marine hero. A fellow classmate grew suspicious, and decided to pass herself off as his friend. After posing with Burton for a picture, she sent it off to the FBI. Burton pleaded guilty to charges of masquerading as a decorated military veteran. He just was sentenced to a year of probation and a $250 fine.

Apparently, imitation is no longer the sincerest form of flattery, but grounds for prosecution. Has common sense gone AWOL?

Every high school reunion is part costume ball, part revenge fantasy. Why go if not to prove to your ex what a grave mistake it was to dump you? And those bullies in the locker room? Who’s laughing now? The teenage Burton was an unathletic band member who struggled to fit in. By showing up in full military dress, he came up with a seemingly harmless way to turn the tables.

People are angry about Burton’s deceit. But I wonder more about the classmate who turned him in. Instead of calling the Feds, what if she had gently taken Burton aside the way you might reassure a guy with a bad dye job: “You’re fine just as you are – you don’t need to pretend.” But maybe she’ll always be the hall monitor who takes pride in sending loiterers to the principal’s office.

Nothing much changes from high school. Those snakes in the grass? They’re still underfoot.