Marin Mommies
Saturday, December 5th, 2009Living in Marin County, you can’t help but notice the sweet pheromones of the powerful women who prowl the streets. It’s Clan MILF vs. Clan Cougar, and every mom KNOWS to which clan she belongs.
Clan MILF meets at the Mill Valley Depot for coffee. Surrounded by her young, 3.5 blond-ish children (their hair might be a tinge of green from too much swim team at The Club) the MILF’s coffee cup is recyclable and re-useable, and her coffee beans are 100% happily grown by cheery, eager, South American farmers. Her muffin has no preservatives, no fructose, no flavor.
And her heart goes out to the children who have to wear clothes made from synthetic fibers, instead of 100% organic, sheep-chewed cotton. Oh, forget those plastic baby bottles filled with BPAs — she was an early adaptor and switched to Kleen Kanteen years ago, right after the fertility drugs kicked in.
Clan Cougar meets at Bungalow 44, Buckeye Roadhouse, and D’Angelos, or places just like them. Coiffed in her salon-fresh highlights and paralyzed forehead, the Cougar’s hyper-vigilance about raising her now high-school aged children has relaxed, unlike her brows, and she’s looking to fill some me time. Her first husband has been dumped and now she’s single, sassy and looking for a little more carnal fun.
Let the cleavage begin!
In my imaginary world, I wonder what the two Clans think of each other. Is Clan MILF green with envy over the hours-long mani-pedis, Pilates sessions and micro-dermabrasions of Clan Cougar?
Does Clan Cougar covet Clan MILF’s fantastic fountain-of-youth, fully elastic epidermal layer, not yet showing signs of damage from all those the years of Ban de Soleil and double album covers wrapped in aluminum foil from their youth?
My husband envisions a throw-down between the two Clans at the Village at Corte Madera Mall, outside of Nordies during its Half-Yearly Sale. The MILFs vs. Cougars, just like the Bloods and the Crips, duking it out over half-price, high-end, skinny blue jeans. But I pshaw him away: Male Fantasies 101. Go back to your Brontosaurus bone, caveman!
I create a scene. (And I’ll admit this may be influenced by the non-stop Disney story-line that my 4-year old girls have been watching these days…): There is trouble in Marin County. The world is coming to an end. We need to be saved from alien attack. Oh, no! A buff Matt Damon or intellectual Christian Bale (when he’s not American Psycho or the real-life kind) is not around to single-handedly destroy the Bad Guys for us.
Like the powerful Amazonian women before them, I have this vision of our Marin County MILFs and Cougars banding together, hand in hand, latte in latte, fighting off those aliens side-by-side to protect their young, their strollers, their dermatologists…
“We’re going in,” yell the MILFs to the group, armed with 7th Generation cleaning supplies and lacrosse sticks.
“Right on your heels!” reply the Cougars, slipping out of their Manolo Blahniks and into their ergonomically correct, calf-toning, kick-ass MBT sneakers…
We would be saved! We’d live to see another day thanks to the might of these two clans joining forces. And, someday, we would be able to tell our grandchildren about that great meeting of Marin County moms who put aside their incompatible fixations on their multiple adopted babies, their IVF twins, their Cosmos and their Himbos and banded together to rescue our planet.
Thus proving that these two groups can live in harmony in the bucolic Marin County hills. Well, that is, until the next Nordie’s Half-Yearly Sale. I hear it’s going to be a buy one, get one free this year.
tagged under: Add new tag.Annie B. Yearout.BPA.Christian Bale.cleavage.cougar.fertility drugs.IVF.Kleen Kanteen.Manolo Blahniks.Marin.Matt Damon.MILF.mommies.Nordies.organic cotton.synthetic fibers
ABOUT THIS AUTHOR
Annie Yearout has three young kids including a set of twins. And a new parakeet named Lulu. She has worked in PR and Marketing for travel destinations and is currently involved in a number of writing projects including a novel. Stay tuned! (Update: Lulu the parakeet has recently decided to fly south for the summer -- and that's the story we're sticking to!)
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Hysterical!
Cougars and MILFs Unite! Keep up the punchy punchies, punchy. You’re so damn good.
this was ridiculously fun to write. at first i had myself in the essay. then i took it out to make it more observational. then i realized it’d be more fun to have me in it. so watch for the next draft
and, of course, i’m too old and jaded to be a MILF any more. and i’m too married at this point to be a Cougar, so where do i fit in. oh the places i could go with this. fun!
Hilarious!
this is great Annie
Love it… Now every time I go into a Marin mall or restaurant, I feel like I see a character from this piece… Classic, spot-on, super-funny!
Annie - you are too good! As always - your writing is something I always look forward too - I jumped at the opportunity to read this - thanks for sharing. Someday I want you to get paid for this talent!
good job sis——–
the same goes for here in Boulder Colorado ( 30 square miles surrounded by reality) where the MILFS are clad in Title Nine and Triathalon TShirts and the Coogs drape themselves over patio chairs at Vics on Broadway.
Alas we have a third group: the anti-Nordies:- it involves alot of fleece and birkenstocks, crocs for dressup, and lots of vitamins.
Himbos! too funny! as a former (17 year!) Marinite MILF, now (ugh, dare I say it?) New Jersey Cougar, I laughed out loud reading this, and tried not to pee in my pants doing it.
love hearing about the cougars and MILFs and anti-Nordies from around the country! it’d be funny to have a Convention…. imagine the crowd…
you really map out in a funny way the changes in lifestyle marin women have undergone. it is oftentimes a culture shock to me when i go out to a marin eatery or coffee shop have grown up in mill valley during the 60’s. woops gave away my age.
Wow, good story. I just now stumbled on your blog and I’m already a fan.
I really enjoyed your post - and so true here in Marin - even though I am a ‘dink’ and don’t belong to either of your categories!
michelle — ooooh, this sounds good…what is a DINK? do tell! inquiring minds definitely want to know!