A Clock Ticks As A Mom Tries Not to Be Pissed
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009I used to sit near someone at work who didn’t like her younger brother. At least that’s what it sounded like whenever he called. I could tell he was on the phone because her voice would tighten as if her teeth were grinding and she’d scold him regardless of whatever topic they discussed.
He was wrong to invite so-and-so to their mother’s birthday party. He was being immature for worrying about what gift to buy for their cousin’s wedding. And didn’t he know not to call her at work? That she was busy?
I doubted my colleague recognized her role in whatever bedeviled their relationship – that she instantly became the parental critic when she heard his voice. What choice did he have but to instantly become the annoying little brother even then, both of them in their 40s?
My teenage son sometimes calls me at work. And I recently became aware that the people who sit near me know when he’s on the phone even if I haven’t said his name aloud.
I paid attention the next time he called and was surprised at how quickly I became annoyed with him, how fast I was to criticize. I, too, became the instant critic upon hearing his voice.
I thought about what happens when we talk: He asks for some privilege – to go to a friend’s house, play video games, watch TV. I want to know what he has accomplished to earn it – Homework done? Chores? And of course he hasn’t finished his to-do list.
He never finishes it.
He can’t because I’m never satisfied with what’s been done. I focus on what is left to do. So the list never ends.
It’s no wonder that our conversations these days often end with him angry and me disappointed. It happens so often that we sometimes begin our conversations that way – angry and disappointed. I had brushed off our lack of cordiality by telling myself this was normal. He is a teenager after all, and having a teenager is every parent’s burden, isn’t it?
His fault.
The other day I stepped into my son’s bedroom to wake him and was startled to see how thick his legs were as they streamed from tousled sheets. His large feet hung over the edge of the bed; his mussed hair hit the headboard at the other end. He curled slightly onto his side and his back was wider than I’d expected, muscles emerging from baby fat.
My son is growing up.
We don’t have much time left together, my little boy and I. The number of childhood memories we’ll still be allowed to create are few now.
I don’t want the time that remains of his childhood to be overshadowed by automatic conflict. I don’t want to be the critic in the memories he will take with him to adulthood. I thought about starting these teenage years over and wondered what I would do differently.
I’d smile more often.
I’d hug him more often.
Instead of flicking on the lights to shock him awake as has become my habit on busy mornings, I sat on the side of his bed. I kissed his hair and gently shook his shoulder.
“Good morning, sweetie,” I said, which was how I used to welcome him awake when he was little. As he stirred, I wondered if he’d notice my change of tone and if it would change his.
His eyes flicked open but he wasn’t fully awake. He turned toward me and said as he used to: “G’ morning, Mommy.”
I gave him a hug.
He hugged me back.
tagged under: childhood memories.chores.critic.criticism.family fighting.homework.Laura-Lynne Powell.reflection.teenage son.teenage years.to-do list.video games
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Well spoken. It’s true that it’s easier to see what our kids haven’t done than what they have done. Teens can be especially dificult because they want adult priveleges without acting like adults so it’s easy to have a knee jerk reaction to them. Good for you to recognized how you might respond differently.
Thanks for the reality check. How strange and wonderful a thing to see one’s baby turn into an adult. It’s good to remember that these daily simple interactions with our kids are precious gifts.
I have two teenage daughters, 13 & 15, so this really hit a chord with me. This is a universal issue whether you have sons or daughters. The reminder to take just a moment to be a little kinder, even when you are trying so hard show them “who’s in charge” is a good one. After all, they are just as new to this teenage stuff as we are.
Thanks for sharing this lovely essay. Hope lots of parents read it.
Sometimes you just have to remember to chill with your kids. The old cliche “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is so true; yet “It’s the little things that count”: a smile, a hug, being agreeable. Little things can lead to big results and improved relations.
Even for Mom’s with 21 year olds trying to grow up this holds true. Thanks for reminding to keep the anger and disappointment out of the start of our conversations.
This lesson works for friends, co-workers, spouses, and store clerks as well as siblings and children. They may not always be pleasing me perfectly in every way I would like, but imagining what it would be like if they weren’t there for me at all helps me to remember to approach them with love and kindness, as I would like to be approached. Thanks for the reminder.
Couldn’t agree with you more. Our teenagers need home to be a soft place to land and refuge from the harshness. I have a needlepoint in my kitchen that says, “Here let us live life at its best and may we find comfort and rest.”
I love the honesty and vividness of this line: “Instead of flicking on the lights to shock him awake…” Ouch. One of your many great images.
A great reminder of the freshness we have to bring to life every day. It’s far too precious and our relationships too valuable to leave them to habit, which all of us do from time to time.
LL - so well written. I think you really captured a common theme among all us mom’s with teenagers. I use my “work voice,” which is direct and matter-of-fact, instead of my “mom voice.” It is easy to forget to be soft when we are so operational at work all day. You are right, everyone is happier, connected and more actually gets done when I use the “mom voice.”
Wow - that brought tears to my eyes because I recognized myself in what you were saying. I’ve always tried to make time for my kids but I think I appreciate how fleeting it is now that my youngest is entering high school.
How timely, reading this piece. My older daughter is only nine - my younger daughter just started kindergarten yesterday, so clearly I’ve been asking myself where the time has gone. I will file this essay, and pull it out in a few years, and in the meantime, it will prompt me to make the best effort I can to listen more often, and demand to be heard just a little less. Thank you, Laura-Lynn.
Thanks for making me cry. I love that boy. Please make them both stop growing
Laura, Your timing is impeccable. With a 17 year old senior facing the pressures of upping his SAT scores, writing the quintessential essay, picking the right colleges to please both parents, I lose sight of the pressures. It seemed easier when we were in their shoes. Let them sleep in, grab the hug when you can slip between them and their cell phones. A friend said “don’t take it personally”….easier said then done. Do something for yourself to distance yourself from disappointment. They are only kids as we were…until we were…29? Laugh often, together. Great piece, keep it up! Good reflection/therapy for all.
Mmm… I’m still crying. Great, honest, reflective writing.
Thank you for your honest reflections and reminders of what is truly important. We are sometimes so hard on the ones we love most, and off course. I think tomorrow I will sit on the edge of her bed and gently wake my sometimes snarly teenager with a hug and kiss.
Oh, LL…this hit like a fist to the gut. I am constantly trying to reconcile my feelings of letting go, irritation, and the simultaneous urge to scoop mine up into my lap and smother with kisses. We are both working on finding our new way together. Love, as you’ve so eloquently put it, is what will triumph. Love and compassion about where they are and who (albeit snotty and smelly sometimes) they are becoming. Thank you sooooo much for this honest and poignant and oh, so timely message. As always, I felt you were writing specifically to me. You do that so well! xo
Oh, how true, whether you’re a mom or not. I’m that person who instantly gets annoyed with certain family members whenever they call. I need to remember to cherish our time together and be thankful that I have them to talk to at all. LL, I enjoyed this blog and got a much needed wake up call.
I agree with all the comments above. LL you really hit a feeling that all of us parents have. I have a 21 and a 16 year old and at the end of most days it’s hard to think of one nice thing we have said to each other. Conflict is part of the pulling away and letting go process for both so a while back I started sending one text a day to each with something great I believe about them. For example, I sent one yesterday that just said “don’t ever forget how special you are”. Today’s was “thanks for keeping your room clean all week!”. At first they were both saying how stupid they were but when I forgot one day they were like why didn’t you send me anything today. Sometimes with older kids it’s easier to say things not to their faces, no rolling eyes, no folded arms, no looking bored. I don’t think thought they will ever get how much we love them until they are parents themselves. I know I didn’t! Keep writing Laura you are so good at touching people!
Awe Laura-Lynne I love it, you brought tears to my eyes. My kids are still little, but I can see how quickly they grow and how in the not too distant future I will be in your shoes. I hope to learn from wise mamas like yourself.
Laura-Lynne -
This is just beautiful!!
you guys all rock! thank you!
can really relate to wanting to parent , but finding that role so disturbing when both parent and teen are living on different planes of existence it seems. everyone just relates better when respectful of each others visions. good for you to describe each attitudes outcome.
So great! Thanks for inspiring me, Laura-Lynne!